June 10, 2009
Apparently, the way to turn your neglected blog into a sorely neglected one is to concoct a plan to encourage posting. It’ll keep you away like the plague, or the swine flu, or something like that.
The church issue is still the hotbed topic around these parts. After making my decision to try something new, I did just that, only my something new has been staying away from church altogether. It’s been nice, not having to go anywhere, do anything, sleeping in. I’m enjoying my only day off of the week, with complete freedom.
The thing is, I don’t feel comfortable going back to “my” church, and I’m way too chicken shit aprehensive to take that step. The step that puts me in unfamiliar territory, with unfamiliar people, where I may or may not be accepted, where I may not be, “good enough”.
To compound those fears, I sometimes feel something pulling me back to “my” church. I have recieved support from many of my church friends, making me long to go back. I have also recieved some that drone on about history and roots, that imply, that I will be letting my ancestors down by leaving. I know the senders mean well, and they love me, but it bothers me that they imply that my decision to do what is best for me and my family is disapointing a bunch of people in a graveyard.
The past few weeks have gone like this: Get letter of support, from a person that I really miss: Decide to go back. Get “guilt trip” letter: Get pissed: Remember why I decided to leave in the first place: Vow to quit being chicken shit and try new church next Sunday: Sunday comes and I sleep in. In short, I’m still seeing signs leaading me in both directions, and I don’t know which ones are the ones for me.
One of the biggest signs has been some new songs by my second favorite artist, Brad Cotter. One is called, “I’m Looking For A Church” and is about finding somewhere that you can worship, and be happy. The other, entitled, “Let Me Believe” is about having faith in something bigger than yourself in an uncertain world, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when the need be. I plan on posting the lyrics soon.
The boys have been going to some children’s activities at, “our” church, and when I go to pick them up, I’m uncomfortable, and bitter, and tense, and even angry, and I can’t get out of there fast enough. Weeks have gone by without spiritual fulfilment, leading me to feel empty inside. I still have no idea what to do. I’m still asking for a sign, only now I would request that it be of the flashing neon variety, one that says: “Alyson, do this: (insert specific directions here), Love, God”