I’m Baaaaack…….

June 10, 2009

Apparently, the way to turn your neglected blog into a sorely neglected one is to concoct a plan to encourage posting.    It’ll keep you away like the plague, or the swine flu, or something like that.

The church issue is still the hotbed topic around these parts.  After making my decision to try something new, I did just that, only my something new has been staying away from church altogether.  It’s been nice, not having to go anywhere, do anything, sleeping in.  I’m enjoying my only day off of the week, with complete freedom. 

The thing is, I don’t feel comfortable going back to “my” church, and I’m way too chicken shit aprehensive to take that step.  The step that puts me in unfamiliar territory, with unfamiliar people, where I may or may not be accepted, where I may not be, “good enough”. 

To compound those fears, I sometimes feel something pulling me back to “my” church.  I have recieved support from many of my church friends, making me long to go back.  I have also recieved  some that drone on about history and roots, that imply, that I will be letting my ancestors down by leaving.  I know the senders mean well, and they love me, but it bothers me that they imply that my decision to do what is best for me and my family is disapointing a bunch of people in a graveyard. 

The past few weeks have gone like this:  Get letter of support, from a person that I really miss:  Decide to go back.  Get “guilt trip” letter:  Get pissed:  Remember why I decided to leave in the first place:  Vow to quit being chicken shit and try new church next Sunday:  Sunday comes and I sleep in.  In short, I’m still seeing signs leaading me in both directions, and I don’t know which ones are the ones for me. 

One of the biggest signs has been some new songs by my second favorite artist, Brad Cotter.  One is called, “I’m Looking For A Church” and is about finding somewhere that you can worship, and be happy.  The other, entitled, “Let Me Believe” is about having faith in something bigger than yourself in an uncertain world, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when the need be.  I plan on posting the lyrics soon. 

The boys have been going to some children’s activities at, “our” church, and when I go to pick them up, I’m uncomfortable, and bitter, and tense, and even angry, and I can’t get out of there fast enough.  Weeks have gone by without spiritual fulfilment, leading me to feel empty inside.  I still have no idea what to do.  I’m still asking for a sign, only now I would request that it be of the flashing neon variety, one that says:  “Alyson, do this: (insert specific directions here), Love, God”


3 Responses to “I’m Baaaaack…….”

  1. Brian Says:

    God can be very subtle, but maybe you’ll get that flashing neon sign anyway. Just follow your heart and don’t worry about what other people think!

  2. Liz Says:

    Alyson, I understand your feelings about starting a new church. I have felt all that too. I haven’t been to church regularly in yrs and barely @ all this yr.
    I do not like it, but…
    while I read your post all I could think was “I hope she doesn’t do what I did”
    I strongly encourage you to continue visiting or going to your church, before you know it you will be like me & it is not a happy place…
    even though I feel that a person can worship anywhere there is just something about worshiping God in a church & with a church family!
    I wish you all the best!

  3. […] been two years since I made the painful decision to change churches, flip flopped around on the issue, then decided that my church wasn’t so bad, and it seems like forever.  […]

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