So Many Emotions, So Much Space
October 9, 2008
It will soon be 10 years since I became a pawn in a evil game. A game I wasn’t even aware that I was playing for quite some time. A game in which the rules change so frequently and unfaborably for me that I can’t keep up.
Monday while at work J recieved a visit from Jonas Sister and her mother. He was informed that Jonas Sister and Sportsboy had decided to move back with their mother. Crazy Ex had already taken them to our house, whilst we were at work, and packed up their belongings (including sports boy’s hound dog, who’s incessant howling I WILL NOT MISS). I so wish I would’ve been here………Crazy ex has NO BUSINESSS in my house when J or I are not here. According to the teenagers she didn’t come in, but I do not believe that 2 kids who, up to this point, have been severely allergic to physical labor, packed and moved all that stuff themselves.
My heart is breaking for J. He is hurt, sad, angry and depressed.
As for me, I am hurt, and angry that I was played after all the effort and trouble that we went to to make this work. However, deep in my heart I know I’m feeling one emotion that J isn’t, and I feel guilty for feeling it. That emotion is relief. I love the kids dearly, but it’s hard raising someone else’s kids when you have absolutely no control over them. I was slowly losing my sanity, and J’s parenting style with them was driving a wedge between the 2 of us.
As you may recall, J and I gave up our bedroom, converting our den to a master bedroom suite, in order for sportsboy to have his own space. Jonas sister already had her own girly room here, and our 2 boys were forced to share the smallest room in the house. Getting them settled took hours of work, plus money in the 4 figure range.
Now we are unsure of what to do with the space. Do we move ourselves back into the smaller space? Do we give sportsboy’s room to one of our boys so they don’t have to share? Jonas sister says she will still visit on alternate weekends, but sportsboy already has a job at his mom’s, so if the past is any indication, his visits will be few and far between. J isn’t ready to act just yet, but I see no point in making my 2 boys, who live here full time, share a room.
We like the extra space our new room gives us, but it makes the arrangement of the house choppy and awquard. Having the former den as our bedroom has also lost us alot of necessary space for when we have big functions. However, is it worth having that extra space which is only utilized less than 6 times a year?
So many questions, so many feelings, so much hurt………………..