December 10, 2007
I recieved the following APB via email this morning. If you find this man, email me immediately. I would hate for any of my readers to be harmed, therefore I am willing to
bring him to my house transport him to police for you. Remember, he is considered armed and fabulous.
Attention, all law enforcement in the region:
I realize many of you have become cynical about the all-points bulletins issued for dangerous criminals. I’m sure you think they’re essentially all the same and that only the names have changed. But I urge you to pay close attention in your pursuit of Mr.. He’s wanted. Wanted dead or live.
Who is? Well, to begin with, he’s a cowboy. Granted, it’s fairly routine for cowboys to run afoul of the law, especially in the winter, when the work and money dry up and they’ve got time on their hands. Plenty of petty-theft and lewd-behavior calls. But that’s not what we’re up against. is no regular cowboy. He rides a horse made of steel. A steel horse. I am not shitting you. And don’t think this is some sort of comical clunky robot horse with whimsical hydraulic sound effects and extraneous flashing lights. This thing is exactly like a Thoroughbred, only much larger and made from an incredibly resilient alloy. Bullets can’t even penetrate this horse, much less stop it. is also armed with a loaded six-string that he carries on his back. Reports differ on whether he uses it as a sort of crossbow or whether it’s actually a guitar that he plays with such shocking mastery as to render victims helpless. Regardless, take heed.
There is other information I need to share with you about. And no matter how callous you think you are to the attributes of criminals, you may want to brace yourself. has almost superhuman abilities. Sure, sometimes he sleeps, but sometimes he can go for days without doing so. Days! To compensate for this interruption in his circadian rhythms, has evidently crafted some sort of alcohol-based calendar, where he can actually tell the day by the bottle that he drinks. Additionally, he’s been known to drive all night just to get back home (his house has an adjoining cybertronic-horse barn), so we’re casting a pretty wide net. Also, according to intelligence we’ve gathered, sometimes when he’s alone, all he does is think. That’s not a criminal act, mind you, but good to know.
So why are we looking for? Why is he wanted, wanted dead or alive? A spree of face rocking. Estimates vary as to how many faces have been targeted—some say 800,000, some say 1.2 million—but it is accepted as a fact that he has rocked every single face he has seen. Every one of them. We’re not even clear on a motive for this mass face rocking, although there are reports of complaining of faces that “are so cold.” Will he stop at a million faces? How many will be enough? We can’t afford to find out.
Now all this being said, if you should come in contact with, do not look into his face. He will only rock it. And call for backup immediately. Bear in mind, the man has been everywhere, he stands tall, and he rides a steel horse.
Good luck to you all. At this point, I have to be honest, we’re living on a prayer.