Toilet Humor

October 2, 2007

2 things happened to me on Friday, for which I am confident you will soon be seeing me on one of those hidden video shows. 

Event #1 (pun intended) occurred while I was fueling up my minivan at the local Sam’s club gas station on Friday evening.  I heard my oldest say he had to pee, then I heard the door open.  I circled the van, only to find him, hiney shining, relieving himself on my tire.  It’s my fault, I potty trained him by allowing him to pee on the tire, AT HOME.  I know they have cameras at the gas station, and I was embarassed.

Event #2 (pun also intended) happened at out local video store.  I love this place, and it’s a shame I’m never going to be able to show my face in there again.  I somehow managed, through no fault of my own,  to embark on this trip with no diapers for my youngest.  He’s been working on potty training, so when I noticed his diaper was full, I took it off, made him go in the restroom, then explained to him that he would have to tell me when he needed to go.  Everything was going good, and we went to the video store to purchase some movies from the “previously viewed” section for my stepson, to entertain him during his recovery.  I was browsing the selections, keeping an eye on my youngest, who was quietley enthralled with the case of a “Deigo” movie, when I heard my stepdaughter say, “Alyson, come here NOW”, where I found him, Deigo case in hand, standing by a big turd. 

A small part of me wanted to leave him in the store while walking out muttering, “Who’s kid is that”, but I knew that wasn’t an option.  I could not bring myself to ask the teenage, minimum wage earning clerk, “Excuse me, could you please clean up my son’s poo?”.  So, I decide to somehow clean it up, and get out of there as quickly as possible.  I had no wipes, or anything else on me, so I improvised.  I ripped the plastic covering from one of the kids Chick-Fil-A kids meal toys, and used it as a pooper scooper.  By this time he had let another one fall, so I picked up both “presents” with the plastic bag, and twisted the top shut, while my stepdaughter took the kiddo to the van. 

Did you know there are no trash cans at the video store for the customers?  The only one I saw was behind the counter.  What is one to doo (an honest typo, but I’m keeping it) if they find themselves holding a bag of poop while trying to make their selection?  I suppose you’re supposed to go to the teenage clerk and say, “Sir, can you do me an eensy favor, and throw this bag of human feces in your trash recepticle? What’s that, you can’t, what happened to the customer is always right?, Let me speak to your manager”. 

I quickly made my way to the check out, holding my reeking bag of poo by my side as close as possible to not attract attention.  I paid for my selections, and left pretending I didn’t notice the terrible odor all around me.  I found a dumpster outside, and disposed of the poop, thankful I didn’t have to ride home with it in the van. Then I called my husband and we laughed about the whole episode for 5 solid minutes.  I laughed even harder when he sent me this text message: “Clean up on aisle 5”, and the next day, when I told him that the Deigo movie has the rating, 2 turds down. 


11 Responses to “Toilet Humor”

  1. Brian Says:

    LMFAO!! That story is priceless! The clerk probably though you had really, really bad gas.

  2. cowgalutah Says:

    Again a reason to be thankful I don’t have kids of my own.

  3. Alyson Says:

    Yep, that’s what alot of people have said. LOL.

  4. Red Says:


  5. LOL, well, it is nice to know that other people have “moments” like that, although I don’t have any story to top event #2, but I think I might have mention previously that a couple of weeks ago Zach decided to pee infront of all the people standing under the bleachers(?) @ the football stadium!!! I have caught him just in time a few times after that!!!! BOYS!!!

  6. Bella Says:

    Oh, you deserve some type of mother of the year award for this one. You handled yourself with such grace under pressure. Many mothers would have cracked (punny) under such circumstances. I applaud you!

  7. alyson Says:

    Thank you Bella. I appreciate that.

    And stilldreaming, I’m glad to hear mine isn’t the only one that often drops his drawers in public. A few months ago I caught him on the front porch of the church in the nick of time. He also did it in the grass near the arena when we went to see the Doodlebops in March.

  8. romi41 Says:

    Haha, cowgal was kind enough to link this on her blog, and I’m glad she did, I laughed till I made a mess of myself (awkward) whilst reading Event #2 😉

  9. Alyson Says:

    She was so sweet to recoment this. It’s my first recomendation. Glad you stopped by, and glad I could make you all laugh.

  10. cowgalutah Says:

    SSHHHH…don’t tell people I’m sweet. They will expect me to be that way from now on.

  11. […] scrolling my blog for instances of being whingy or posts about crap food I discovered some gems, some turds, and other things that I had long ago forgotten about.  I’m going to start blogging more […]

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