or the free ride when you’ve already paid

or the good advice that you just didn’t take

or finding out your losing your job the day after you husband starts a permanent job for the first time in nearly a year.

Yep, that’s where we are folks.  It came as a huge surprise.  I have one week left at the job I thought I would retire from.  The job I poured my heart and soul into.  The one I went to while my child was hospitalized, the one I went to the day my grandma died, the one I went to one cold December morning when I was puking my guts out.  The one I missed countless ballgames, parent teacher conferences and various other child-related activities for. 

Being as I’m the only one losing my job (another story entirely), it feels like I’m going to my own week long wake.  The past 2 days have dragged on and on forever.  Even though I have no idea what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, I’m SOOOO ready for next Friday to be over with.   And although I’m depressed about it, I think it will all work out for the best.  After the initial shock wore off, I started viewing this as an opportunity rather than a setback.  With approved unemployment benefits I can draw a check to stay home with my kids, and make up for all the time that I’ve lost.  And even though I know I’ll have to eventually take a job making far less than I was making, it’s also an opportunity for God to open another door for me.  Perhaps a door that offers weekends off, health insurance, and a retirement plan, which are all things I have never had. 

I’ll be quite honest, this new happy, glass half full, attitude is due in part to the fact that a mere 2 hours after submitting one resume online, I got a nibble!   Wish me luck!

We first met Bret and Marie, along with 2 of their 3 daughters 26 months ago, and the connection was instant.   At the time our boys were playing t-ball on the church team of our former church and their practice ended just as Bret and Marie wrapped up their tour of their new digs, adjacent to our former church.  I was already VERY unhappy at that church and had prevously told J that I didn’t want to meet the new pastor, I was done with that church and would not be back.  I was forced by J to meet the new pastor that night, and I trapsed over to do so grudgingly.  

As I said before, the connection was instant, both among the adults as well as the children, who played in the yard while the 2 couples, along with our then-pastor, ”shot the bull” so to speak.    We talked about how well our 2 boys and their 2 girls got along, and our former pastor even joked that they would be adding each other on facebook later that night.  I snuck a few pics of the kids playing through the window that night, and my suspicions about their connection was verified in the next couple of months, as my boys asked incessantly how many more days until they moved here. 

That day finally came, 2 years ago, and our aquintances, along with their new addition, another daughter, just a few weeks old, took up residence less than 2 miles from us.  Our 2 families quickly became fast friends.  We would get together once a week and eat, talk, and play cards or board games.  We’ve taken road trips, planned vacations that didn’t get to happen (stupid back surgery), attended birthday parties, reminissed on our youths, and even spent a few Sundays at the local skating rink!   We’ve helped each other out of babysitting binds, and been glad to do so.  I’ve come to love their daughters as the girls God never blessed me with personally.  We’ve laughed alot and cried a little.  When I had my convulsing crying episode at my old church, it was Marie who consoled me first.  When I left that church it was Bret who sat with me in my living room and listened to me rant about how deeply the church had hurt me.  It was our love for this family that led us to another church he pastored, where, over the last year we found everything we were wanting in a church home, and yesterday officially moved our membership. 

Our kids have an incredible bond.  The four of them play together wonderfully, and I have it on pretty good accord that my 5 year old and their 6 year old recently exchanged their first kiss at a church fish fry.  Our 8 year old and their 10 year old are kinda sweet on each other too, and I would not be surprised or at all disappointed if either girl, or even both wound up being my daughter in law one day. 

From the very beginning of our friendship, I’ve been dreading today.  With every step closer I’ve grown to them, I’ve wanted to pull back, because I knew it wouldn’t last forever, and I wanted to save myself the hurt.  Small church Methodist minsiters don’t stay anywhere long, and I knew Bret would be no exception.  They are even told in training to be cordial, but don’t make friends, which seems harsh, but I’ve come to understand.  Even though I’ve known all along this day was eventually coming, it still came as a blow a few weeks ago when I got the official word. The hows and why’s aren’t important.  What is important is that it’s in their best interest to move, and it’s God’s will. 

 A few weeks ago, at their, “baby’s” 2nd birthday party,  Bret’s mom, who I had only met a handfull of times, teared up as she hugged and kissed me goodbye, and told me how much she loved me.  And I knew that if it was that hard to say goodbye to their extended family, that saying goodbye to them would be brutal.   Part of me wanted to distance myself from them to make the transition easier.  Another part of me wanted to spend every moment possible with them, and soak it up while I had the chance.  The latter part of me won, and we’ve spent alot of time eating and playing together over the last 6 weeks.  Even tonight, I took them supper in disposable containers, as I knew they would be too busy packing to cook.  I guess you could say we were there till the end, and did all but help them load their moving van.  (And we offered to help with that). 

I realize they are only moving a hour and a half away, but an hour and a half is a whole lot further than a mile and a half, and knowing that I won’t be able to pick up the phone for an impromptu skipbo or sequence game makes me sad.   From our “last supper” Friday to Sunday’s final sermon have been sad, and I’ve spent much of tonight wallowing in self pity, and silently asking God “Why”?  Why would he allow us to become so close only to take it all away?  The answer has came to me in the form of a line from the Garth Brooks hit, “The Dance”.  ”I could have missed the pain, But I’d of had to miss the dance”.  And I’m glad I had the dance.  A dance I woudn’t have had if J had not made me go meet the new pastor that I didn’t want to meet 2 years ago.   It’s all a wonderful reminder that God is in control.

There have been so many incidents that made me start to really question my future at my home church.  I’ll spare you the boring details, but my kids were getting absolutely no age approporoiate spiritual education, I was not being filled spiritually, and I felt nothing but disdain for my fellow church memebers for a variety of reasons. 

I think the icing on the cake happened in the fall of 2009.  Karate boy contracted a nasty case of salmonella, which landed him in the hospital for 6 days, Wednesday-Saturday.  During that time we got no cards, calls, flowers, meals, or any type of support from our church family, unless you count 3 facebook comments saying, “hope he feels better soon”.  Our pastor visited us once in the hospital and called one other time to check on him, but that was it.  Fortunately my family, co-workers, and outside of church friends provided emotional and physical support, offering to stay with Karate boy, keep sir sweats alot overnight, or just bring us whatever we needed to the hospital.  While it may be true that family is obligated to help you out during difficult times, that’s not so with friends and co-workers.  I stayed with KB during 5 of those 6 days and nights, and I had alot of time to think, which was good and bad.  I couldn’t help but notice that my co-workers, who I had only known for less than 2 years and had never seen or met KB, called to check on us and offer to bring supplies every day, while his own Sunday School teachers and church family did nothing.  I also couldn’t help but notice how my bestie Brian and his honey called and emailed despite having very busy schedules that week, and most of the members of my church would write them off entirely because of what they are.  I can’t even begin to explain how hurt, disapointed  and alone I felt and still feel over the situation.  Every time anyone is sick in our church I send a card, at the very least.  Many times I fix a meal, however when I needed it, it seemed like nobody cared.  After talking with some people that attend other churches, and hearing their stories of how their church family has really come through for them in times of need, I was jealous, and ready to move on. 

KB retunred from the hospital on a Saturday, and J and I had discussed our severe disapointment in our congregation, and I had decided it was time for us to move on.  We agreed to take that next day off, to get KB well, and try a new church the next week.  Sunday morning KB awoke and BEGGED us to go to church.   So we did.  And I cried for the entire 2 hours we were there.  I’m not just talking about a few tears either, I’m talking full on bawling, complete with sobs and the inability to catch my breath.  When I confided to a few close friends as well as our pastor what the problem was, one of those people had the audacity to tell me that:  “people are just too busy now days”.  That logic really hit me the wrong way for a variety of reasons.  Primarily because just a couple of weeks before Karate Boy’s hospitalization I had taken an amazing dietary approporiate meal to the home of  a couple that had been in a car accident and are on special diets.  That particular week I had worked 50 plus hours at my job, countless more at home, and was dead on my feet.  However, I knew that couple was struggling with their future in our church, and feeling hurt by how they got support from only a select few during the loss of their grandchild the year before, and I didn’t want my inability to come to their aid to be the reason they left our church.  To hear that other people were “too busy” to help me out really pissed me off.  But I eventually made an attempt to suck up my bitterness, and gave “my” church another second chance. 

In March of  last year, something changed for me, and I really don’t know what it was, but sitting there one Sunday, filled with so much bitterness and hard feelings, just like so many weeks before, I knew that I just couldn’t worship there anymore.  I just knew.  It wasn’t like the other times, I knew that this time, this was it.  And it was. 

At home that evening I told J that we simply had to find another place to worship.  The next week we went to church at my sister’s new home church, and we really didn’t like it.  The next week was Easter, and due to the myraid of family obligations we didn’t go to church, too much to do.  Ironic isn’t it?  Even people who don’t go to church very often usually manage to go on Easter. 

That Sunday began a trend, and obligations, the idea of a Sunday off, and yes, fear kept us from going to any church for the next 6 or so weeks.  When Sunday is your only day off, spending it doing what you want to do rather than fighting with your kids for 2 hours in a place where you are all miserable is rather inticing.  Every week we would talk about where we were going to visit, but we never managed to do so.  Sunday as a family day was much more fitting than Sunday as a worship day. 

It was around this time when I discovered the Christian Rock band Casting Crowns.  They were preforming locally and, although I wasn’t that familiar with their music, I really wanted to go.  In preperation for the concert I downloaded 20 or so of their songs and put them on my MP3 player.  One day at work I put only their music on shuffle for a couple of hours, and I liked it.  “Praise You In This Storm” espically spoke to me.  After listening solely to them until the songs were repeating and threepeating themselves, I returned my settings to, “shuffle all”. 

A few days later, I was feeling quite fragile.  My inferiority complex was rearing it’s ugly head, and as I worked, reflecting on my church situation, the old feelings were creeping up on me.  The voices in my head said, “All churches have their issues”, “It’s really not that bad”, and most loudly, “You will never be accepted anywhere else”.  As I thought on these things I heard something new through my earbuds, something about a comfort zone and being laughed at, and I was intrigued.  I re-started that track, and listened carefully.  What I discovered was a previously undiscovered (t0 me) Casting Crowns track, “The Voice Of Truth”:

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
You you’ll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
“Boy you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don’t seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

It’s been a year now, and I can honestly say that this song changed my life.  It still makes no sense to me why it didn’t come up on my mp3 player when it had it set to just play Casting Crowns songs.  It came to my earbuds amist 1,000 songs, at just the right time.  The waves and the giants stopped calling out my name and laughing at me, reminding me of all the times I tried and failed.  I fought the urges to go back to my home church.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and I’m incredibly happy.  The giant still calls me every now and then, but I know how to fight him now!

You may remember that my husband was out of work last year for 3 months.  He had a bulged disc, and our chiropractor (whom I trust with my life, btw) tried everything to avoid surgery.  In 3 months he was good as new and back at work.  3 months after going back to work he found himself back at square one.  This time she recommended surgery.  2 months later, we’re finally getting it.  From the best of the best.  Unfortunately, throughout this process J’s FMLA and sick leave was exhausted, and 6 weeks from now, when he is completely recovered, he will begin the process of searching for a new job.  I know I don’t have to tell you how bleak the job market is right now.  Especaially for a man nearing 50 years old.  Nor do I have to tell you how much it sucks paying for back surgery without insurance.    

We found out last week that we had to be checked into the hospital at 5:3o am.  There was much arguing last week about weather or not we would be getting a hotel room the night before.  I argued against, in the interest of saving money.  We found a wonderful compromise in our hospital literature called the “Hospitality House”.   We were referred there by our doctor, and it was decided that if we could get a $20 room, we would stay overnight.  The way it works is, you call at 1:00 on the day of your stay and see if they have any vacancy.  In the event they were full I had found several rooms on priceline under $40.  Of course, at that price, they weren’t anything nice, but I figured I could manage, after all, we would only be there  for 10 hours. 

We called at 1:00 and the hospitality house was full, but they offered to find us a discounted room in the area.  What the heck, I thought.  2 hours and a half dozen phone calls later they put us up here for $55!  The best available internet rate was $169.  This place was amazing!  I felt  like the country bumpkin that I am as I pointed and stood with my mouth agape, and grinned like a little kid as I rode up to the 18th floor on a glass elevator.  We explored the hotel, and I was amazed to see treadmills with built in televisions.   

As I stood at the window of our room, looking down 18 stories to the city lights below, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for what could’ve been.  My dream, upon finishing college was to move here, to live among the hustle and bustle.  I was so ready to do it back then, but life happened.   I met J, and I could never ask him to be that far away from his kids.  So here we are, 10 years, 2 kids, and one fixer-upper in the country later.  Driving to the, “big city” only for special events and medical procedures that we don’t trust our fellow country bumpkins to perform.  And, with the exception of not bringing my camera to document the awesome room, there are no regrets.  NONE.  A statement that I’m sure will be echoed when we leave here this afternoon amid bumper to bumper traffic, and I ponder aloud, “Who in the hell would want to live HERE and fight this every day”!

I know it’s been several months since I last saw you and I am amazed at the present state of your condition.  Honestly, given your advanced age and your affliction I would have thought it impossible for you to hold onto even a coffe mug for any length of time.  Yet there you were, Saturday night, with a superman-like grip on a rather large and presumably heavy grudge.  A weaker person may have developed a hand cramp from holding on to something that big for 9 months and counting, but not you.  I’m sure your doctors are as impressed as I am. 

I know we haven’t talked much, or really any, since I chose to leave the church we both attended last March.  However, given our lengthy friendship, I had always thought that a face to face encounter would be a happy occasion, regardless of how much time had passed.   Therefore, when we were walking through the parking lot of my former church, and you were standing by your car puffing away on your cigarette,  and refused to make eye contact with my family. although we all knew you saw us, I blew it off.  Perhaps he was just REALLY into that cigarette, I thought.  Upon going in to the fellowship hall for a fundraiser and social event, it quickly became evident  that the incidnet that transpired in the parking lot was no fluke.  While everyone else was genuinely glad to see us, it seemed that you didn’t see us at all.  Nor did you appear to hear me speak directly to you, although you were probably only 1′ away and looking directly at me.  My husband experienced the same treatment from you, and neither of us have any idea what we could have done to cause you to act in such a manner towards us.  In a church envoirnment no less. 

I understand that yourself, as well as the other members of , “our” church might be angry at us for leaving.  Furthermore, I’m sure the fact that we deflected to another church on our charge, one that the people of your church don’t particularly care for, doesn’t help matters.  Yesterday I relayed the story of what happened Saturday night to a mutual friend, who said she was treated similarly by you at that event, although not quite to the degree to which we were.  Her theory is that you are upset with everyone for leaving.  The division in your church is so blatant you want people to stay and fight for it, not to give up on it. 

Hearing her say that reminded me of a statement you made on the facebook page of my sister 2 years ago when she declared her intentions of leaving the church via her facebook status.  You told her not to leave, and said that if she allowed them to run her off, “they would win”.  I realized then that I was in a very poisonous 3 church enviornment, and although it took me another year to make a change, I thought of your statement often.  In fact, although I know it was not your intention, those very words were  instrumental in my decision to leave your church.  Outside of sporting events, an, “us v/s them” mentality is rarely a good thing, and when it’s so rampant that members are talking about it on facebook for all the world to see, true worship is impossible.  Which is why I left, and I don’t regret it one bit.  You see, now days I don’t leave church feeling worse than I did before I went.  Now days, J and I don’t have horrible fights every Sunday because we are so miserable at church.  Now days I love going to church, I don’t loathe it. 

I find it amusing that Saturday night you would not speak to me, but “they” welcomed me with open arms.  “They” made it a point to speak, and to hug, whereas you went out of your way not to.  I want you to know that I’m really happy now.  I don’t come home on Sunday afternoons and cry.  I don’t spend the first part of my week bawling hysterically, and feeling the dislike for my church course through my veins like some kind of poison.  J and I do not fight every Sunday.  Church is not a black cloud hovering over our heads, waiting to drop it’s toxins on us.  Our marriage is healthier, and our lives are better, and if that means you have one or two less soldiers in your imaginary army fighting, “them”, then so be it.  I wish you the best, and if you need a hand with that grudge, there’s a guy named Jesus who would love to help.

In the past few weeks it’s amazing how things have began to come together.  No, I didn’t win the lottery, or find out I was the only heir of a long lost rich dead uncle.  I just started recieving blessings.  First came the JC Penney’s cash.  I turned a $15 birthday certificate into the wallet my oldest wanted and giant fluffy towel for a Chineese auction gift.  Just last week I got $20 more, which I intend to spend on sports apparell for my step-kids.  $35 worth of free gifts just for walking to the mailbox.

Next came Coke rewards.  I had been saving bottle caps for a co-worker of mine who participates in this program, thinking the only thing he was getting with these points was coke tee shirts and other coke related merchandise.  My interest was peaked this summer when he told me he redeemed points for tickets to the nearest 6 Flags theme park.  Finally I browsed the website to see what it was all about and I found out you could get Season 1 of Glee, a show I finally watched recently and am now in love with.  I began saving caps for myself, knowing I would need 1,000 points to acquire it.  As I got nearer to my goal I noticed the other rewards that I could get.  Namely the gift cards you could get.  I gave up my dream of Glee in favor for some K Mart cash, which I would use to buy Christmas presents.  Upon amassing enough points for $20  in gift cards I went to redeem them, only to find that, apparently everyone else had the same idea.  K Mart gift cards were out of stock, as were ones from Best Buy and Home Depot, which put a huge damper in my plan.  However, I found a bigger selection of DVD’s, many of which will be the perfect fit for my stepkids or neices and nephew,  as well as great personalized photo items from Snapfish, which will be perfect for my parents or husband.  Also, being a new snapfish customer I get 50 free prints, which will be my Christmas card photo.  By my calculations, in just a few weeks I have amassed enough Coke points to purchase gifts that would cost me $40.   Also, Glee now cost only 500 points, so I’m glad I waited!

I’ve also discovered couponing.  A friend of mine had been blogging about it and I’ve been giving it a try.  I haven’t been able to get a whole cartload of stuff for $7, as she does on a regular basis, however I have been watching the internet and matching store sales with coupons and gotten some really good deals.  In the past two days I have redeemed $20 in coupons.  I haven’t gotten anything free, or for pennies on the dollar, but I have managed to get name brand things like hair products, toothpaste, OTC medications and air freshener for the same price or cheaper than their generic counterparts.  I’ve also been able to score some fancy candles for $3 for a Chineese auction present or teacher gift.  Here is today’s haul from a Rite Aid trip, which cost me $38 and change.  I also got $7 in Up Rewards to use on my next transaction, so I basically got it all for $31. 

I know it doesn’t look like alot, but when you consider that 4 of those items run around $8 I think I did good!

There is one final blessing that has come my way in the last few weeks.  My sister’s church had a really awesome community book giveaway.  The books were all of a Christian nature and in new condition.  Unfortunately I was at work the day of it, but J and both boys were able to go and get their maximum of 13 books each.  After going through their bounty and keeping one of everything, I have a great stash of teacher gifts and stocking stuffers for the older kids. 

In the last few weeks, I’ve quit stressing about Christmas, and started keeping an eye out for blessings.  That God fella is really awesome, and he has provided so many answers.

Ummm…….BON JOVI, DUH!

1. Are you a male or female: “Woman In Love”
2. Describe yourself: “Starting All Over Again”
3. How do you feel about yourself: “She’s A Mystery”
4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: “You Give Love A Bad Name”
5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: “All I Wanna Do Is You”.  (sorry, I had to)

6. Describe your current location: “Who Says You Can’t Go Home”
7. Describe where you want to be: “I Wanna Be Loved”
8. Your best friend? “Crazy Love”

9. Your favorite color is: “Naked”

10. You know that: “Good Guys Don’t Always Wear White”
11. What’s the weather like: “Burning For Love”
12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: “Livin On A Prayer
13. What is life to you: “All About Loving You”

14. What is the best advice you have to give: “Welcome To Wherever You Are”

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: “Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars”

Topic:  School/Work

I finished college in December of 2000 with a degree in Business Administration.  Since that time I haven’t done anything useful with said degree.  Upon graduation I kept the same job I had been in pretty much since I entered college.  It was at a small, family owned business and it was because of that job that I chose business as my major.  It paid comperable to other jobs in the market, I loved it, and the owners loved me, and it didn’t matter to me that it didn’t have benefits or vacation time.  I was so drained from college that I didn’t have the energy to change. 

I stayed in my comfort zone until 2008, when my present employer made an offer I couldn’t refuse.  Still no benefits, but this year I will nearly double the salary I made with my previous employer.  The hours are long and demanding, but twice a year I get a weekly paid vacation, which I now know the importance of.  Being as my position is “temporary” I have no sick leave, paid holidays, or health insurance, I get paid considerably less than my counterparts that do the same job, and I often have to work 6 days a week 50 plus hours a week, in whatever weather conditions mother nature throws at me.  But, at the end of the day, I get paid well to walk around, getting exersize and a suntan while listening to Bon Jovi on my MP3 player.  It provides for my family, and I’m thankful every day for it. 

I recently took some criticism from a family memeber because I’m not using my degree.  I’m making more money than I could in most jobs in my field.  About 1/3 of the people in my office that do the same thing I do have college degrees.  One even has a teaching degree.  Our field pays well, and at the end of the day isn’t that what it’s all about? 

As for the future, I do indeed like my job and I hope to one day be a real employee.  And if not, I always have my college degree to fall back on.